does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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