I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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