Too much gin, very little bucket
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
