Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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