i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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