i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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