So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
