wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
