Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
