it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
