ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
