we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
