I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
