I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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