I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
