I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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