In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
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Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
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Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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