I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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