Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
