there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
