we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
