fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You dont lie about slip and slides
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
