You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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