do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
