I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
