I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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