It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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