Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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