she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
