i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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