you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
