it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
