So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
