she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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