Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
