Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
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dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
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Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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