I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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