i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
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Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
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There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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