i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
