i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
