spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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