I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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