Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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