Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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