he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
