I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
