I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
