I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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