My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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