I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
