my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
