you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
