Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I've blown a few things in my day
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
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I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
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You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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