I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
